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i thank you in advance [a poem]

on this day
every year
i count the seasons
since you disappeared
(it’s 22 today, just like my age)

and i still see you everywhere
they think i’m silly

i remember today
(seven years ago)
like it was just the other day
from sleeping to dreaming
to hoping that it was just a dream
and then pretending like it was

but the words
from the voice on the other side of the telephone
“our deepest condolences”
started to make it real
i didn’t want it to be
so i carried on and went to school
and wrote a biology test to pretend it was not
(the bitch made it count for my year end mark)

i couldn’t pretend hard enough.
you were gone.

but it’s only your skin
and your bones
your hips and your toes
your eyes and your smile
your big hands and your silly old man style
those are the things that all disappeared

your heart
and your dreams
your fears and your screams
your guidance and love
your temper and your laugh
still lives on in my heart

a daughter and her father
are always just a few heartbeats apart
(no matter what)

and i hope you are proud of me
like i am of you
for smiling
while screaming
with with everything you went through

** for tonie muller
father, fighter, brother, hero.
12.11.54 – 21.02.03

(written three years ago)

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